The very warmest of salutations to you, lovely reader, on this long-awaited day of Fri. On an unrelated note, my brain is very fuzzy and I am in desperate need of coffee. Would you like anything from the kettle?
To supplement my rock ‘n’ roll writer’s lifestyle (ahem), I tutor some kids in English and Maths. The kids are aged between six and ten, and I love them all to bits. Some of them have their “challenging” moments, and to be perfectly honest I’m not always in the mood to rehash the five times table, but there’s no question that I love my job.
I also love the bizarre (but usually fairly sound) wisdom that my students come out with. Here are some of the funniest, sweetest and weirdest things my little ones have said during lessons. (By the way, I put a couple of these on Facebook as and when they occurred, so apologies for the repetition.)
1) The would-be dinosaur owner
Child: did the dinosaurs go to heaven?
Me: oh, yeah, definitely.
Child: do people in heaven get to have dinosaur pets?
Child: you’ll go to heaven before me, because I’m only six and you’re about a hundred. Will you save me a dinosaur?
Yes, you evil little legend. Yes I will. Although I should point out that I am twenty-five, which is A LOT nearer to six than it is to a hundred. I wouldn’t usually mind too much about something like that, but we were at the ends of a Maths lesson…
2) The future feminist
Me: So what kind of characters do you usually find in fairy stories?
Child: Baddies and witches and a Prince Charming.
Child: Why isn’t there a Princess Charming?
Me: I don’t know. Why?
Child: Because us guys are sometimes stupid and we need girls to help us.
The cutest thing about this one is that the kid genuinely wanted to know. It was obvious to him that men need saving as much as women do, and he was baffled by the notion that men didn’t get a chance to swoon and women to ride in and kill the dragon. Feminists, rejoice and be glad: this kid is a winner.
3) The paranoid artist
Child: I can’t finish colouring this picture in.
Me: ‘Course you can.
Child: No. No, I can’t.
Me: Why not?
Child: I’ve been poisoned.
Me: …with what?
Me: Ok. Who poisoned you?
Child: Robert Mugabe.
Either this kid has been watching too much evening news, or he is an incredibly well-disguised political enemy of Zimbabwe’s current government. I sort of hope it’s the second one.
4) The sibling swapper
Child: My brother is so annoying. Do you have a brother?
Child: Do you get annoyed with him?
Me: Nah. We used to wind each other up when we were your age, but we’re very close friends now.
Child: Is he nice to you?
Me: Yeah, he’s very nice.
Child: Can I borrow him sometimes? You can borrow mine.
Seems fair, doesn’t it? No? I’m not allowed to abduct a six year-old boy who can burp the alphabet in exchange for my twenty-three year-old brother (who is pretty busy with his degree but would totally be up for this because it’s an excuse to play with Lego)? Well, I wish someone’d said.
5) The one who won’t be fooled
Child: Mum says I need to know about Maths for when I’m a grown up.
Me: She’s absolutely right.
Child: She says if I don’t know Maths no one will talk to me and I’ll have to wear a big pink badge saying “I don’t know Maths” and people will laugh at me.
Child: I don’t really believe that, though. I think I just need it for looking after my money and stuff.
God bless that mother, trying so hard to capture her son’s imagination when all she had to do was tell him the truth. Apparently, six year-olds are ok with their future financial responsibilities. Who knew?
Have a glorious Friday, you lovely thing.