Hello dear reader, and welcome to your weekend!
First of all, a lot of congratulations are in order: to my friends who just got engaged, the ones who got married yesterday and the ones who, as of this momentous day, can now get married in the UK. What a fantastic day for love and marriage.
Now, to the topic at hand (which as usual is pretty silly): those of you who watch How I Met Your Mother and/or are male will be aware of a mysterious set of rules called The Bro Code. This is a list of regulations that men are supposed to abide by when they’re out and about with their mates, and a lot of them pertain to their duties as wingman. It’s fairly standard stuff about solidarity, the pursuit of women and being manly. A lot of the guys I know follow this code whether they realise it or not, but here is my question: where’s the Sis Code? The Magda Carta, if you will?
Well it exists, but it doesn’t, if you see what I mean. You know how people talk about there being “unwritten rules”? Well, girls have those rules off by heart backwards, upside down and in seven different languages. We don’t have to write them down to know exactly what they are, and when we sense someone breaking the Girl Code we can tell over a distance of up to eight hundred metres (reduced to six hundred on a blustery day). But just so that there are no misunderstandings, I have written a few of the rules down:
- When a girl shows you a photo of the guy she likes, the appropriate response is only ever “Aw, he’s lovely!” THAT’S IT. Don’t comment on his massive ears, don’t start drooling over him yourself, and for heaven’s sake don’t ask what’s up with his facial hair.
- You must always hate the new girlfriend of your friend’s ex-boyfriend, at least until said friend is over the situation. Which brings us nicely on to:
- Your ex’s friends and your friend’s ex are off-limits. This is non-negotiable. No, not even then. Or then. No, definitely not. Stop trying to find ways around this; it’s insurmountable.
- Use your make-up bag for good, not evil: if you’re dressing up and going out, make sure that you are doing it for the sake of your own confidence, not to make another woman feel small or to impress a man. (Example: don’t wear white to someone else’s wedding.)
- Always accompany your friend to the bathroom. Guys never understand this, but there are several possible reasons for making this activity a team effort: being in an unfamiliar place and not wanting to get lost alone on the way; protecting one another from scary loo attendants; continuing a conversation that is already in progress. There are loads more, but those are the ones that sound least odd.
- On a related note, if you are out in public and your friend turns to you and says “I need to talk to you”, then you drop everything. There is probably a socially-awkward situation to diffuse, or a wardrobe emergency. As you get to know your friends you will be able to communicate this non-verbally across tables, crowded rooms and dance floors, but remember to use your eyebrows sensibly. You don’t want to end up like Emma Watson, whose acting style is entirely dependent on the caffeine-infused caterpillars above her eyes.
- Don’t be mean for no good reason. (Ok, I definitely just broke that one by being mean about Emma Watson, but seriously. Her eyebrows genuinely worry me.)
- This one is my biggest pet peeves, and unfortunately loads of girls do this: don’t be a story-topper. If someone tells you something really good or really bad that’s happened to them, do not under any circumstances say “Well if you think THAT’s good/bad, listen to what happened to me…” You haven’t been listening to your friend, and it’s painfully obvious. One day you will hear yourself say “Well if you think’s THAT’s good, I’ve just been made High Majestic Overlord of the Seas and Sky!” and realise how ridiculous you’re being.
- Always be willing to lend your shoes. I don’t know why, but it’s important.
- Take the time to compliment each other, and not just “oh, I love your earrings, where did you get them?” Make the effort to tell people that you think they’re brave, kind, good at roller-skating, etc. It’ll take you two seconds and it’ll make their day.
There are hundreds more of these, but I won’t keep you from your weekend any longer. Have an amazing Saturday!