Hello, reader! Long time no see! How was your week?
After a few days’ hiatus while I was running amok in Paris, I am back in Blighty and brimming with blog ideas. I also appear to be massively over-using the letter “b”, for some reason.
My favourite bit of the Paris trip was visiting the Eiffel Tower. It says a lot that this was my favourite part of the weekend, because we had to queue for TWO HOURS to get inside. Being British we were completely comfortable with the queueing process, but Mario and I were nonetheless obliged to play some fairly silly games while we waited, including the classic Would You Rather. Here’s an example:
Me: Would you rather live in a cave for the rest of your life, or at the top of the Eiffel Tower?
Mario: Would you be able to leave to go shopping and stuff?
Mario: Top of the Eiffel Tower, obviously.
Me: How would you get your shopping, then?
Mario: I’d get it flown in.
Me: How? There’s no helipad or anything up there.
Mario: I’d get the people to throw the stuff at me and I’d catch it.
Me: Oh, of course.
In front of us in the queue were two families, both British, with five kids between them of various ages between six and twelve-ish. Understandably these kids were as bored as we were, so they ran around, played games, annoyed each other and climbed on the railings. I have two problems with this:
1) There is no way on earth my parents would EVER have let us behave that way when we were kids. If we so much as raised our voices in public when we were little we didn’t know which way was up, I can tell you. It’s so unfair that these kids can get away with messing around when I never did. Mutter, grumble, back in my day etc.
2) Damn it, I’m a grown up now! I’ll never get to run around and play silly games in public! I’ve missed my opportunity forever! More muttering and grumbling.
With this horrific injustice in mind, Mario and I came up with a list of the Top Ten Things We Are Officially Too Old For. By “we” I mean people in their mid-twenties, and by “officially” I mean “according to me and Mario, who are not qualified to be authorities on this kind of stuff, but we’re pretty sure we’re right”. Let me know what you think:
1) Running around and messing about in queues
Even as a drama graduate with a Masters in (essentially) Messing About and Doing Silly Voices, I know that that’s not cool.
2) Ordering kids’ meals in restaurants
I tried this one in a Wetherspoons last week. I’ve never seen such fear and confusion on another human being’s face before.
3) Drinking Nesquik
Mario argued this one, but would you drink it in public? No. Same goes for Panda Pops, sadly.
4) Friendship bracelets
Unless some kind of bizarre retro-kitsch fad comes around (and I’m not ruling it out), these lovely tokens are off-limits to us now, even ironically. If you want to give your friend something that says “I like you, you’re pretty fun” you have to buy them a pint. Or a puppy or something.
5) Weird hair ornaments
Scrunchies, Alice bands, smiley-face hair clips, glittery hair bobbles – basically anything from Claire’s Accessories is a no-no.
6) Crying in photos
As a baby or small child, crying or looking grumpy in photos is completely fine, and often makes for ammunition that your parents will use when you bring home your first girl/boyfriend. I know of several school/family photos that meet the gleeful criteria of parents in those circumstances, but nobody cries in their graduation photo (I hope).
7) Light-up trainers
I waited MONTHS to get a pair of blue light-up trainers when I was a kid, and to this day they are my favourite of every pair of shoes I’ve ever owned. As a grown up I own lots of shoes that I like, but none of them make me feel like a super hero.
8) Having tantrums in public
Let’s be honest: sometimes lying down on the floor, kicking your heels, pounding your fists and screaming blue murder is incredibly appealing. But as adults we have learned that that’s not always the best way to get what we want, so we have to do more boring things like compromise and negotiate.
9) Drink Calpol
This one makes me the saddest of all, I think. If I’m ill I have to wander wistfully past the purple syrup of magical well-being and head to the boring, tasteless Ibuprofen.
10) Ask simple questions
There are lots of questions that are seen as cutesy, typical kid questions: “Why is the sky blue?” “What’s love?” “Why can’t we feel the Earth spinning?” and I STILL don’t know the answers to most of them. I’m too old pull off the eyelash-batting, adorable curiosity thing, so in my ignorant adulthood I turn to a different long-suffering parent: Wikipedia.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend; I hope your Sunday dinner involves the best roast potatoes in the universe.