Good morning dear reader! How was your weekend? Well, don’t be sad because it’s over, be glad because it happened. (Nothing like a trite piece of advice to kick off your Monday, is there?)
As you can probably tell from this blog’s ridiculous title, today I am in one of my “if I ruled the world” moods, and I have come up with a few small ways to improve our day-to-day lives. Here is a list of stuff that should be a thing in modern society:
- Flowers should not wilt. (I realise that this is a biological issue rather than a social one, by the way, but I still think it sucks.) It’s just so depressing to be given a beautiful bouquet of colour and fragrance that you know will gradually fade into brown, dead stalks. What else can so clearly demonstrate society’s bleak view of the transient nature of romantic relationships? “Here is something pretty to show how much I like you…for now.” Far too ominous an undertone for my liking, frankly. Stick to jewellery.
- Upon entry to the UK, tourists should be given a brief but firm tutorial on how to use public transport in this country, because those “stand on the right” signs are clearly not having any effect. I’ll do it myself if that’s what it takes. Bring me a whiteboard and some fancy pens; I’ll be all over it. There’ll be proper diagrams and everything, you just watch.
- The tax system ought to work like karma does., i.e. higher taxes for bigger asshats. I have no idea how practical or easy to monitor that would be, but I like the sound of it. Domestic abusers, murderers and Nigel Farage should definitely be paying more tax than I do. (Not you, obviously. You’re lovely.)
- The elderly should be allocated sections of cities (not so that we can get rid of them or anything – hear me out). We have Chinatowns, Sohos and Little Italys, which is great, but why are we limiting ourselves to geographical divisions? Elderly people sometimes feel out of touch with the modern world, (as do I, to be perfectly honest) and they should have their own place where stuff is exactly how they remember it from their youths: the same clothing shops, the same food places and the same movies showing in cinemas. Let them have somewhere to go where they can be nostalgic (and get away from the tourists who stand on the left).
- Speaking of nostalgia, I really, really wish that it was still the convention for people to wear hats all of the time. I don’t even suit hats, but I think it would be awesome to bring that back.
- No more ice-cream van music. Those eerie tunes are the least child-friendly thing I’ve ever heard.
I hope you have the kind of Monday that makes you feel like this.